Random Stories

Bone Night

Lake City, South Dakota

This is a memory from a few years ago, but one that I won’t certainly forget, it’s not a good story, though, that’s for sure. It was the night that almost every girl in high school looks forward to, I was no exception to the rule despite my attitude towards most parties. This was due to the fact that my best friend and I had finally become a couple a few weeks before prom, so we would be going together rather than sit at home to watch TV or play video games.

What made the night more special was that we had a promise, we were both virgins at the time and agreed that we could give it a try after prom at my place. Needless to say I was nervous, not only because of the “first time” deal but because I was wearing a dress to prom and it would be the first time my boyfriend had ever seen me in one.

He went for the cheesiest looking suit and hair-do, even going as far as to buy some flowers. My mom thought he was charming, but she didn’t hear him talking about how we would have the best time ever. He was sweating bullets and talking non-sense for most of the drive there, but he kept his cool in front of his buddies. We were a tight circle of friends so it was fine for me to see him ask for advice from his close guy friends, I tried to do the same with my sister so I saw where he was coming from.

The prom itself was fairly boring to say the least, we danced only one slow piece and that was on account of a simple fact. My boyfriend spent most of the dance awkwardly poking me with his boner, it wouldn’t go away so he didn’t let go for any reason. “I don’t want anyone to see it, please!” that’s what he kept saying as he poked my leg and thigh, you see, he was smart enough not to wear any underwear “In order to save time when it counts baby” so he was free balling it across the dance floor.

I spent most of my prom night standing in front of him until he could calm down, which was a momentary respite at best, since any cleavage or even looking at me would get him going. It was funny at first, but having him go like a dimming light for two hours really killed any mood I’ve might have been in for the night.
A part of me saw it as a light hearted moment to take away from the stress, but for the most part it was simply awful. We finally got into his car and headed to my place, we cuddled and kissed a bit like we normally did, but we knew this was special. Tonight was going to be different and the both of us would change as friends, as a couple and as young adults.
Or at least we would have if he could get it up, the second I felt ready and prepared myself to be more than a girl he simply wasn’t up for the task. We tried different things but the whole situation was so awkward that we left it at that.

We decided to sleep together in the nude to at least do something romantic, at least until my dad showed up in the morning due to my sister blurting out that we would be sneaking into my room. She’s not much of a talker, specially over breakfast but you want to know what the worst part was? My boyfriend had a case of morning wood.

Lights Out

Newark, New Jersey

I work out a lot, so I consider myself to be a healthy guy. The kind of guy that could kick someone else’s ass in a second if he had to. So I loved fronting at parties, mostly for fun. I would walk up to someone and say “What are you looking at?” and laugh if they shied away. Yes, I’m aware that it makes me sound like an asshole. That’s because I am one.

See, guys like me get away with these kinds of things because other guys are massive pussies. They like going out with their girls and just pretend they are tough. They will try and talk you down and be all civilized “Let’s take the high road” is pussy-talk for “Don’t kick my ass.” I liked picking on people, what kind I say? It got me girls that are hotter than the whole “Smart and sensitive kind” which is to say they weren’t fugly.

Now, I was at a party looking for some tail when I saw a girl wearing a pair of jeans so tight they looked like a second skin. “I hope you don’t mind those jeans to get even tighter, because I’m about to get in them!” The girl immediately turned around and slapped me. I called her a massive lesbian and kept looking, and then a few moments after that this other guy tapped my shoulder. He was a chubby, short and cowardly looking asshole that barely seemed capable of speaking to me without shitting himself.

He said “I guess it would be too much to ask that you walk that way and apologize to the lady” I shoved him and said “You guessed right fat ass, now walk away before I beat a couple pounds off you.” This guy was weak, so I kept shoving him saying something like “What are you gonna do, bitch?” When out of nowhere this other guy jumps in, he was taller than me and looked incredibly pissed.

Turns out that the fat guy was doing me a favor, he was this giant’s best friend. The girl I insulted also happened to be his girlfriend, the little dude simply wanted to end the night without violence. That was no longer an option. This guy punched me in the face so hard that I bit into my cheek and tore the inside of my mouth. It took a couple people, the fat guy included, to get him off of me.

Why am I writing this then? Because that night brought with it a hard life lesson, it’s only a matter of time before some kicks your ass or just straight up kills it. It’s fun to get cheap, fast and hot girls but you don’t have to be a dick about it. Something that simple took a couple of stitches and several punches to the face for me to understand.

It’s sometimes better to spend the morning after waking up alone in bed than spend several weeks being made fun of.

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