Random Stories

Hit the Can

Leeds, Maine

I was out with my friends on a quest for pizza and brew, it was game night and we needed our fuel. We went to the usual place and bought our share of the four biggest pizzas we could find and stopped for beer. Sweet, ice cold joy in a can! We got back to our home for the night and began setting up the games.

We like playing games that host local multiplayer so we can throw a lan party of sorts. We started doing it way back in the 90’s with Quake and Doom. Nowadays we tend to pick any games that really catch our attention. We say this habit keeps our youth alive, though it might very well be killing us slowly for what we saw on this fateful night.

We know that we are not kids anymore. We are well into our 30’s, have jobs, families and receding hairlines. But we still like to get together every couple of weeks and celebrate life by being immature. “You are only as old as you feel!” Was our line for the wife, and that night I’m pretty sure we all felt about a hundred years old.

Pizza is a funny thing. You can eat it without much of a hassle, tastes great and it’s also as unhealthy as asbestos depending on the place you get it from. We had been eating pizza, Doritos and beer all night until around three in the morning when it hit me. I really had to use the bathroom. I told the guys I would be right back and headed in, only to find myself in one of the worst moments of my life.

I couldn’t go. Saying that I was constipated would be cutting it short. I felt like I really had to go but couldn’t and the pressure was killing me. I was just like a balloon with too much air and I wouldn’t pop. Pushing and struggling was almost as painful but I had to get it over with, so I took a deep breath and went for it.

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details and simply say I screamed like there was a murderer in the bathroom with me. My friends rushed in to find me whimpering on the toilet, but rather than laugh they just looked at me like an epiphany. We all ate the same pizza, we are all unhealthy and this was just a matter of time for each one of them.

A fun night of gaming ended up with me visiting a doctor’s office in shame, only to be told “You are not as young as you used to be.” I still cringe whenever my wife and kids want to order pizza, even if it wasn’t necessarily the pizza’s fault.

Game night didn’t come to an end with my accident, though. It only became a bit healthier since we cut back on the junk food. My friends took to jokingly saying that it was the night we lost our innocence, in more ways than one.

Big Spender

Stephens City, Virginia

I had been dating this guy for quite a while now and everything was going well, at least as far as the early stages of a relationship go. He always treated me to a nice dinner when he had a chance, often taking me to a club or to catch a movie right after we were done. It all seemed great, but it was just a little bit weird that all our dinners ended with him telling me to meet him by the car while he sorted the bill.

Part of me figured it was just his way to be a gentleman, or that maybe he didn’t like his dates to see how high the bill could get. This went on for five dates, all of them in different restaurants and different nights over the course of our two month relationship. We would mostly go out to the movies, clubbing or just stay together in his apartment having fun, the big dress up dates only came up occasionally.

Such a date is the reason behind this story, it was our sixth date and he made plans for us to go to the fanciest restaurant he could find. He reasoned his habit of switching restaurants by saying, “I never eat at the same place twice in order to to experience new flavors, not to mention that each restaurant had its own mood to it!” He also insisted on the fact that “Each experience will be unique in its own way, think of it as romantic tour of fine dining!” He put on his suit and I tagged along in my cocktail dress, ready for a wonderful dinner.

We had lobster, champagne and a few side dishes to celebrate our third month together. I was simply heels over toes by how much dedication he put into taking me out like this, we both had simple jobs so money had to be a bit short to afford this place. Maybe that’s why we went out like this once every couple of weeks, I guess he had to save for the occasion.

He went a bit over board, though, he ordered deserts and fine wine once we were done with the champagne. Anyone who saw us would dare say that we were a couple of new rich kids, just living it up on a new-found fortune. “The good things in life only come so often, and I’m sorry to tell you that I won’t be able to take you out like this for a bit”, he said over the last bits of our desert. It was okay, I never had been spoiled by a boyfriend like this in all of my life so it’s not like I was expecting more.

A couple of glasses of wine later and we were ready to go to my place and celebrate properly, but I had to go to the bathroom first. He insisted that I simply headed to the car while he paid, I agreed but only because it gave me a chance to go to the bathroom without resorting to the un-lady like “I’m going to burst!” line. I came out to an empty table, so I went straight to the exit to meet him in the parking lot.

One of the waiters stopped me while a manager approached me, they both looked and sounded furious. I turns out that my charming man had been planning a “dine and dash” move that ended up with him leaving without me. I was forced to write them a hefty check hoping that I could at least get half the money back from my boyfriend. He thought differently and broke up with me the next morning for “ruining his winning streak”. The bill was way more than my budget for the next month, so now I’m broke and single.

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