Random Stories

Ice Cold

Chicago, Illinois

I sincerely doubt that many people reading this have ever stumbled upon an ice filled urinal. They used to be the norm back in the day for cheap bars and restaurants with crappy plumbing. Nowadays I bet that the only use for them would come from hipsters, since they are all about being retro and ironic. Anyways, I have a memory related to one such urinal.

It happened way back in the 80’s. I was working through a bad break up the only way a 20 year old man at the time could, by drinking heavily at a shitty bar. I sat there pounding glass after glass until I could barely speak without sounding as someone with a severe mental disorder. The bar tender at the place was a good friend of mine, so I could stay there for as long as I could. He was even nice enough to open me a tab so I could drown my sorrows in liquor!

After a while it all started to fade in and out for me, I could barely hold onto my seat at the bar without feeling as if the world had begun to spin without me. Having a drunk guy about to collapse in your bar was kind of a problem, but they couldn’t just kick me out since the bartender convinced the owner I really needed this.

The two of them simply dragged my ass down to the bathroom so I could throw up and work on sobering my sad ass up. Well, the one and only pair of stalls were out of commission for the night. One had no running water and the other was taken, so my two patrons set me by the edge of the urinal.

I held on tightly and let my sorrow fly back out of my body. My buddy had to go back to tend the bar and the owner didn’t like me all that much to begin with. I was left alone throwing my guts out. Here’s a quick trivia, what usually happens after you drank way too much and exhaust yourself vomiting? If you say that you pass out and fall like a paperweight then you are correct! I went in head first into the ice cold water.

Though saying water is a stretch, since it was more of a mix between piss and my own vomit. I woke up after a few seconds and pulled back, falling onto the filthy floor under the urinal. The guy in the stall must have been busy since he didn’t bother to wake me up. I laid there until closing time when my buddy went to check on me.

The morning after consisted of me getting my stomach pumped and a series of cold showers. I actually had to shave my head to get rid of the smell from the bathroom floor. Some say I was being paranoid about it, but I could really smell it so I wasn’t taking any chances. I’m just lucky the urinal was cold enough to wake me up. Else I would have been awarded the lamest eulogy in history.

Lights Out

Newark, New Jersey

I work out a lot, so I consider myself to be a healthy guy. The kind of guy that could kick someone else’s ass in a second if he had to. So I loved fronting at parties, mostly for fun. I would walk up to someone and say “What are you looking at?” and laugh if they shied away. Yes, I’m aware that it makes me sound like an asshole. That’s because I am one.

See, guys like me get away with these kinds of things because other guys are massive pussies. They like going out with their girls and just pretend they are tough. They will try and talk you down and be all civilized “Let’s take the high road” is pussy-talk for “Don’t kick my ass.” I liked picking on people, what kind I say? It got me girls that are hotter than the whole “Smart and sensitive kind” which is to say they weren’t fugly.

Now, I was at a party looking for some tail when I saw a girl wearing a pair of jeans so tight they looked like a second skin. “I hope you don’t mind those jeans to get even tighter, because I’m about to get in them!” The girl immediately turned around and slapped me. I called her a massive lesbian and kept looking, and then a few moments after that this other guy tapped my shoulder. He was a chubby, short and cowardly looking asshole that barely seemed capable of speaking to me without shitting himself.

He said “I guess it would be too much to ask that you walk that way and apologize to the lady” I shoved him and said “You guessed right fat ass, now walk away before I beat a couple pounds off you.” This guy was weak, so I kept shoving him saying something like “What are you gonna do, bitch?” When out of nowhere this other guy jumps in, he was taller than me and looked incredibly pissed.

Turns out that the fat guy was doing me a favor, he was this giant’s best friend. The girl I insulted also happened to be his girlfriend, the little dude simply wanted to end the night without violence. That was no longer an option. This guy punched me in the face so hard that I bit into my cheek and tore the inside of my mouth. It took a couple people, the fat guy included, to get him off of me.

Why am I writing this then? Because that night brought with it a hard life lesson, it’s only a matter of time before some kicks your ass or just straight up kills it. It’s fun to get cheap, fast and hot girls but you don’t have to be a dick about it. Something that simple took a couple of stitches and several punches to the face for me to understand.

It’s sometimes better to spend the morning after waking up alone in bed than spend several weeks being made fun of.

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