Random Stories

Hugging the Throne

Las Vegas, Nevada

I had one of those nights, the ones that go by an awesome blur intersected with flashes of a couple hot chicks and drinks with friends. It would have been the best night ever, save for the fact that I woke up on a bathroom floor feeling like I got ran over by a car, maybe even a truck. This wouldn’t have been unusual, there I was feeling like shit with my face planted firmly to the bathroom tile next to the toilet like many other times.

What was different, though, was the fact that someone had thought it would be funny to handcuff me to the plumbing. I of course tried to rip it from the wall like some sort of action hero, only managing to screw up my wrist and cause an annoying water leak. The water was cold enough to wake me up a bit and help me realize how much of a pussy I am. So I guess that was a plus.

I began thinking a bit more clearly and called for my friends, truth be told I had no clue where the hell this bathroom was. It looked nice enough to be a hotel bathroom, so the thought of paying for new plumbing meant that pulling on the pipes a bit more was not an option. I started to freak out a bit, not knowing where I was.

My thought process became something like this “What if I got kidnapped?” “Where are my friends?” and lastly “My friends are dicks.” The bathroom was getting flooded, so whoever left me here would know I was awake now.

Looking through the bathroom I realized that my phone and a note-pad had been left on top of the sink, I reached for it causing my phone fall to the floor causing the screen to shatter. I started getting frustrated and freaked out severely until I reached the note-pad. It had a small, obviously drunkenly written note on the front page that one of my friends had left for me.

“We’ll be back at 2, enjoy the pictures bitch!”

I turned on my phone and there it was, several pictures of my “friends” tattoing dicks on every inch of my body, with one of them going as far as to tea bag me. They came by a couple hours later, laughed it up and made me pay the bills for the damages cause to the room.

I ended up signing a check at a hotel lobby with a fucked up wrist, completely covered in doodles of all the possible shapes and sizes of dicks. All while being soaking wet with a busted cell phone.

Big Spender

Stephens City, Virginia

I had been dating this guy for quite a while now and everything was going well, at least as far as the early stages of a relationship go. He always treated me to a nice dinner when he had a chance, often taking me to a club or to catch a movie right after we were done. It all seemed great, but it was just a little bit weird that all our dinners ended with him telling me to meet him by the car while he sorted the bill.

Part of me figured it was just his way to be a gentleman, or that maybe he didn’t like his dates to see how high the bill could get. This went on for five dates, all of them in different restaurants and different nights over the course of our two month relationship. We would mostly go out to the movies, clubbing or just stay together in his apartment having fun, the big dress up dates only came up occasionally.

Such a date is the reason behind this story, it was our sixth date and he made plans for us to go to the fanciest restaurant he could find. He reasoned his habit of switching restaurants by saying, “I never eat at the same place twice in order to to experience new flavors, not to mention that each restaurant had its own mood to it!” He also insisted on the fact that “Each experience will be unique in its own way, think of it as romantic tour of fine dining!” He put on his suit and I tagged along in my cocktail dress, ready for a wonderful dinner.

We had lobster, champagne and a few side dishes to celebrate our third month together. I was simply heels over toes by how much dedication he put into taking me out like this, we both had simple jobs so money had to be a bit short to afford this place. Maybe that’s why we went out like this once every couple of weeks, I guess he had to save for the occasion.

He went a bit over board, though, he ordered deserts and fine wine once we were done with the champagne. Anyone who saw us would dare say that we were a couple of new rich kids, just living it up on a new-found fortune. “The good things in life only come so often, and I’m sorry to tell you that I won’t be able to take you out like this for a bit”, he said over the last bits of our desert. It was okay, I never had been spoiled by a boyfriend like this in all of my life so it’s not like I was expecting more.

A couple of glasses of wine later and we were ready to go to my place and celebrate properly, but I had to go to the bathroom first. He insisted that I simply headed to the car while he paid, I agreed but only because it gave me a chance to go to the bathroom without resorting to the un-lady like “I’m going to burst!” line. I came out to an empty table, so I went straight to the exit to meet him in the parking lot.

One of the waiters stopped me while a manager approached me, they both looked and sounded furious. I turns out that my charming man had been planning a “dine and dash” move that ended up with him leaving without me. I was forced to write them a hefty check hoping that I could at least get half the money back from my boyfriend. He thought differently and broke up with me the next morning for “ruining his winning streak”. The bill was way more than my budget for the next month, so now I’m broke and single.

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