Random Stories

Lights Out

Newark, New Jersey



I work out a lot, so I consider myself to be a healthy guy. The kind of guy that could kick someone else’s ass in a second if he had to. So I loved fronting at parties, mostly for fun. I would walk up to someone and say “What are you looking at?” and laugh if they shied away. Yes, I’m aware that it makes me sound like an asshole. That’s because I am one.

See, guys like me get away with these kinds of things because other guys are massive pussies. They like going out with their girls and just pretend they are tough. They will try and talk you down and be all civilized “Let’s take the high road” is pussy-talk for “Don’t kick my ass.” I liked picking on people, what kind I say? It got me girls that are hotter than the whole “Smart and sensitive kind” which is to say they weren’t fugly.

Now, I was at a party looking for some tail when I saw a girl wearing a pair of jeans so tight they looked like a second skin. “I hope you don’t mind those jeans to get even tighter, because I’m about to get in them!” The girl immediately turned around and slapped me. I called her a massive lesbian and kept looking, and then a few moments after that this other guy tapped my shoulder. He was a chubby, short and cowardly looking asshole that barely seemed capable of speaking to me without shitting himself.

He said “I guess it would be too much to ask that you walk that way and apologize to the lady” I shoved him and said “You guessed right fat ass, now walk away before I beat a couple pounds off you.” This guy was weak, so I kept shoving him saying something like “What are you gonna do, bitch?” When out of nowhere this other guy jumps in, he was taller than me and looked incredibly pissed.

Turns out that the fat guy was doing me a favor, he was this giant’s best friend. The girl I insulted also happened to be his girlfriend, the little dude simply wanted to end the night without violence. That was no longer an option. This guy punched me in the face so hard that I bit into my cheek and tore the inside of my mouth. It took a couple people, the fat guy included, to get him off of me.

Why am I writing this then? Because that night brought with it a hard life lesson, it’s only a matter of time before some kicks your ass or just straight up kills it. It’s fun to get cheap, fast and hot girls but you don’t have to be a dick about it. Something that simple took a couple of stitches and several punches to the face for me to understand.

It’s sometimes better to spend the morning after waking up alone in bed than spend several weeks being made fun of.

Silence is Precious

New Port Beach, California



There’s always one in any given group of friends that fits this description: never shuts up and is a lousy drunk, but this guy I know is the king of all of them. He will get trashed at any party, no matter the occasion, was it a wedding? He gets drunk, maybe your baby cousin’s birthday? He will get a hold of booze or bring his own. I’m pretty sure he would get drunk at a baptism, even if he had to drink the holy water in order to do so.

The worst part of the whole situation is that this guy will never shut up. Even if he’s sober, he just rambles on and on about the most annoying and nonsensical shit that crosses his mind. Was there a good movie out? He will spoil it, no matter if you tell him not to and you really want to see the movie. You could go on and say that a small child’s life depends on you getting through the movie without it being spoiled, he will do it anyways.

But why do I endure his presence? Oh believe me, it’s not because I am a good guy whose days are filled with joy, to the point where I can overlook everyone’s flaws and celebrate the gift of life! No, it’s because he’s best friends with a girl I like. See, if I were to do something too drastic this guy would get pissy and cut me off, which in turn would ruin my chances with the girl.

Some may say that’s stupid to use a guy to get a girl, since we are both rivals when it comes down to it. I simply figured that she really didn’t like him that much as of late, so I slowly began to exclude him from our little reunions as much as I could. The rest of the group was cool with that, as long as we didn’t actively try to kick him out.

One night we all got together to have a bonfire but “forgot” to tell “our friend”. The night was almost over and it had been great. I actually managed to talk my way into this girl’s personal life, when out of nowhere this guy shows up with a bottle in hand. He was drunk as hell since he came from a “party,” where he met one of the outside bits of our group of friends and they made the horrible call of telling him where we were. I guess lying and shutting off our cell phones wasn’t enough.

A nice night for romance turned into a loud and obnoxious asshole’s stage. He hugged everyone, talked about the other party, filled with people we didn’t really know, and he sat between me and the girl. He hijacked the conversation, turning it away from topics I could handle and made it into inside jokes with her.

I went to smoke away from the group and relax a bit, I had to save what was left of the night and just talk to this girl. I came back to the bonfire, only to have this guy wail at me with the bottle. He started shouting “You are trying to take my girl away you son of a bitch!” and then he ran after me, I tried going to the car while a few of the other guys held him back. He broke the bottle on the hood and started jabbing the edge at people.

Needless to say we were scared shitless, at least until he started laughing and dropped the bottle. He started rambling on about how funny it all had been. I came out from behind my car to check on everybody, at which point he kicked me as hard as he could in the face before laughing a bit more and walking away. I went over to talk his friend and asked “What’s wrong with that psycho?” she slapped me and said “He has a problem, you douche!”

I spent the early morning trying to fix my nose while my friends tried an improvised intervention on the guy. I never got a second chance with his girl.

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