Random Stories

Beer for my Horses

Richland Springs, Texas

A few buds and I decided to camp out at a farm one night, just for fun and to remember the old days. We brought along enough of our Pals Cap’ Morgan and Mr. Daniels to drink ourselves blind, which we nearly did. We set a bonfire by one of the old barns and just sat there talking about life, women and whatever else came to us at the time. It was a good time, all we did was drink and chat until we drank a bit too much to keep an inspired conversation going.

We sat down on our chairs and thought it would be fun to line down a few targets and shoot them off a fence. No one would admit to being a crap shot, not even while drunk, so we just went along with it making a mess out of a decent bit of the wooden fence. The property is owner didn’t mind much that we riddled it with bullets holes, he said “It was full of termites anyways and I’ve been meaning to get rid of that old piece of crap”.

Our target became the fence, drunk as we were it was quite a feat to hit it or even be able to tell if we did. After a while it became apparent that the horses in the small stable nearby had gotten riled up with our shooting, they were trashing about their pen and by this point we were even drunker than before. The owner decided to go calm the animals down while the rest of us either went to sleep or drank ourselves in.

This isn’t much of a story so far, but that’s because I haven’t gotten to the good parts. My drunk buddy went to open the gates to the pen to calm down his horses, but let them that way as he staggered back into his tent. I ended up waking to a horse chewing on my hair, so my first reaction was to scream, and drunk as I was, pull on my hair. The horse ended up taking a chunk so large that it justified walking around with a cowboy hat.

I passed out on the ground and woke up covered in slobber, a couple of the guys sleeping nearby woke up with the ruckus and scared away the horses. They were young and a pair of little wussies to boot, so we ended up running behind the horses a good bit before realizing that we not only had a car but that the ranch was fenced, the animals had nowhere to go.

Then the drinks came a callin’ and we ended up throwing up from the run, one of them in particular laughed his heart out “Why were we chasing horses!?” he was right to laugh, though. We walked back to our little campsite, had a drink of the last left in our bottles and went to sleep.

It all seems pretty harmless until I tell you about the next morning. The ones going after the horses woke up with a massive rash in our hands, feet and even faces. It was bad enough that we scratched ourselves bloody and only when we drove back to the house did we see a massive ditch filled with poison Ivy, how the hell did we fall in it without noticing? I don’t know, I was real drunk.

Hit the Can

Leeds, Maine

I was out with my friends on a quest for pizza and brew, it was game night and we needed our fuel. We went to the usual place and bought our share of the four biggest pizzas we could find and stopped for beer. Sweet, ice cold joy in a can! We got back to our home for the night and began setting up the games.

We like playing games that host local multiplayer so we can throw a lan party of sorts. We started doing it way back in the 90’s with Quake and Doom. Nowadays we tend to pick any games that really catch our attention. We say this habit keeps our youth alive, though it might very well be killing us slowly for what we saw on this fateful night.

We know that we are not kids anymore. We are well into our 30’s, have jobs, families and receding hairlines. But we still like to get together every couple of weeks and celebrate life by being immature. “You are only as old as you feel!” Was our line for the wife, and that night I’m pretty sure we all felt about a hundred years old.

Pizza is a funny thing. You can eat it without much of a hassle, tastes great and it’s also as unhealthy as asbestos depending on the place you get it from. We had been eating pizza, Doritos and beer all night until around three in the morning when it hit me. I really had to use the bathroom. I told the guys I would be right back and headed in, only to find myself in one of the worst moments of my life.

I couldn’t go. Saying that I was constipated would be cutting it short. I felt like I really had to go but couldn’t and the pressure was killing me. I was just like a balloon with too much air and I wouldn’t pop. Pushing and struggling was almost as painful but I had to get it over with, so I took a deep breath and went for it.

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details and simply say I screamed like there was a murderer in the bathroom with me. My friends rushed in to find me whimpering on the toilet, but rather than laugh they just looked at me like an epiphany. We all ate the same pizza, we are all unhealthy and this was just a matter of time for each one of them.

A fun night of gaming ended up with me visiting a doctor’s office in shame, only to be told “You are not as young as you used to be.” I still cringe whenever my wife and kids want to order pizza, even if it wasn’t necessarily the pizza’s fault.

Game night didn’t come to an end with my accident, though. It only became a bit healthier since we cut back on the junk food. My friends took to jokingly saying that it was the night we lost our innocence, in more ways than one.

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